prayer
I really, really struggle with praying. It seems to me that, most of the time, when I hear people talking about what prayer looks like, it sounds too formulaic or far too casual - meaning I do not believe it should be some long rant or a list of demands we quickly throw at God and then call it a day. I think prayer allows us to connect with God and it allows us to interact with Him - both to speak and to listen.
Sometimes, I think a big thing that keeps me from praying is not knowing what to say. Or, one of my least favorite realizations is noticing that, when things are good and I feel happy with how my life looks, I find that I am rarely worshipping God through prayer.
I think prayer allows us to be the most ourselves we could possibly be. It allows us to honestly communicate every single emotion that we feel with God, who fully knows us before we ever even utter a word.
I often think, why even pray? It's not like it's going to change God's mind or anything, right? More than anything, prayer changes my heart and opens my eyes to the ways of God. More than that, I want to pray because God asks me to and He knows what is best for me - also, how cool is it that the Creator of the universe wants to be in deep relationship with us - what better way to achieve that than to be in constant communication with Him?
One of my favorite verses for when I can't seem to find the words is Romans 8:26 -
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.
This is another good ole excuse that I have used from time to time - "God knows everything about me anyways, so why do I have to pray about it?"
I guess what I am saying is that the more I have grown to love God and for sure the more I have learned about Him, I am learning that life just isn't about me. It isn't about what I am feeling all the time. It isn't about being distracted by what I want and what I think I need. And it isn't about me taking control and deciding what is "good" for me. So, it's quite simple, I've learned - pray. It's hard, I think, because taking time to be still and sitting with God and speaking directly to Him and asking to hear directly from Him requires us to slow down, relax and listen. Which, in my personal experience, is something I hardly ever find time to do.
I was thinking about all this as I fell asleep the other night - a situation with a boy recently [a Maddie Hull classic] that had me absolutely torn up. I fear praying boldly sometimes. I fear asking God to remove distractions from my life because I know He will do it. The funny thing is, He will do it regardless of me asking Him because He is desperate for me to know and love Him and no person or circumstance is worth distracting me from my Savior for even a second.
In the moment, it hurt so bad - I had a whole different plan in my head for how I wanted things to play out and I was not prepared to have to deal with the alternative. God did the work of removing him from my life, and I didn't even have to ask Him to do it - He knows what is best for me and I could see how He was so right and good even before I stopped hurting. So yeah, in theory, I "didn't have to ask Him" to do this for me (to clarify, I should have) and I could get on my hands and knees and beg God to bring this boy back into my life and I sure don't think anything would change.
The real change occurs when I pray and surrender the situation to God. When I acknowledge that He is working all things together for my good. When I thank Him for showing me forgiveness and grace, and I ask that He help me do the same for this person. When I acknowledge my trust in Him and my thankfulness for Him. Crazy stuff happens in us when we dare to let God move in our hearts and lives and prayer allows us to offer Him the space to do this.
Let's recall another fun little breakup situation. So, if it isn't abundantly clear at this point, I have made it somewhat of a hobby to try to find my worth in boys in particular - but, thank the Lord that I am learning. The other day, I found this letter to God/prayer that I wrote to myself and to God about three months after I, yet again, found myself feeling “heartbroken” over a boy.
To give a little bit of background, we called it quits in late December, to set the time. I could sense the end coming, because it seems you always can if you let yourself admit it, and I remember driving to Foothills Parkway with my Bible and journal and practically begging God to "fix me" so that things with this boy could work out. Then, three months later, I went back to Foothills Parkway and wrote some things that I look back on now - in November, so many months later - that leave me in awe of the goodness of God's intentional and redeeming love.
Last time I was here, I remember wanting so badly to get answers about [boy] - more specifically, to feel at peace about being with him. I said "God, I want to be with this boy so badly and I am going to do whatever I can do to make him love and care about me" and threw in the "of course, if it's your will" at the end and I claimed to trust God. Since then, I have been hurt and confused and left without actual answers as to what went wrong or what I did wrong that made him not want to be with me in addition to feeling sad, broken, insecure, alone, not enough, ugly in comparison, and whatever the opposite of chosen is. On top of feeling like I had failed again and that I will never be good enough for the kind of relationship I so badly want and pray for. But God is good. Even when I don't actively think it in my head, I feel it in my soul. That he is my ultimate love, my comforter and protector, my peace, my savior. He is good, even and especially when I don't feel good. So, today, I am back at Foothills Parkway and instead of seeking answers, I am seeking God and His face, not what He can do for me. I am humbled, knowing that nothing, not even my husband one day, can offer the kind of love that Jesus can. Unfortunately, I still think about [boy] a lot. And I worry about what he thinks about me and why I wasn't good enough for him. But literally thank God that I wasn't because that relationship did not lead me to love Jesus more and I clearly did not have the courage to end it and let Jesus be enough for me. So I decided I am not gonna blame [boy] and point out his flaws and mistakes to justify why I shouldn't be with him. I am not gonna try to justify or try to explain anything that happened in order to have peace and move on - that isn't putting trust in God, but putting my peace in my circumstances and in answers and in clarity. I am not going to stay angry at myself for my flaws and mistakes and I am not going to live in the past or future anymore - no matter how badly I wanna re-live and understand everything that happened in the past or what I want to happen in the future. I have choices to make - I can keep walking out this lukewarm faith, or I can surrender everything to Him so that I can follow Him deeper than I can imagine, because He calls me to so much more.
Jesus, help me to want what you want.
Thank you for your spirit and the way that you guide me; I am so sorry that I don't listen.
Help me to know and love you more.
When I say I couldn't have even fathomed writing these words, much less believing them, just three months before I wrote them, I mean it. And this was just me deciding to start speaking and praying these things into existence. Now, eight months later, after these thoughts and so many others were turned into prayers and tears and anger and forgiveness and thankfulness and joy and sadness simultaneously, I can see in my own life how much God has moved within me after He already moved in my situation.
Not that it took me the entirety of the year to move on from this boy, because that wasn't the case. But beginning with that situation, and leading to so many other things, I learned to surrender and trust and communicate with God about who He is and who He calls me to be - in that time, He has strengthened me and molded me into someone I probably would not have recognized a year ago. All through prayer and through His presence in my life.
This was one of the most memorable times, and maybe the first time, that I surrendered to God the space and the time for Him to truly turn my anger, sadness, shame and bitterness into forgiveness, joy, peace and a deep confidence and trust in Him.
I only feel this way when I am intimately connected to Him in prayer, otherwise I feel as though I am walking through life alone. Prayer is crucial to knowing who God is and who He says I am, too.
Life feels crazy. I often can't seem to slow down. Or I turn to people. I turn to immediate answers. Or I decide to play God and choose what is best for me.
I pray that God teaches me to pray, and to pray constantly.