new beginnings

"Therefore, preparing your mind for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy." And if you call on him as Father who judges impartially according to each one's deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile, knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not what perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without a blemish or spot. He was foreknown before the foundation of the world but was made manifest in the last times for the sake of you who through him are believers in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God. Having purified your souls bu your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God."

1 Peter 1: 13 - 22

my thoughts going into 2021:

To preface, I am not really feeling any of the things that I should be feeling going into a good year - no motivation, no excitement, no confidence, and certainly no hope as I began another calendar year of my life. Let it be noted that this is also the first year that I am truly desperate to feel these things as I think about turning 22, graduating college, and moving into the next phase of my life.

2021, to me, equated a clean slate, a fresh start, new goals, more aspirations, and, most importantly, no more of who I was last year, as in, one month ago, last year. "Last year" I was making some awful mistakes. Like "I don't know who I am anymore mistakes" - I think, too, that my mistakes in the past were always in my very private life and others only got to know what I chose to let them know. But that was not the case over the past few months. I am thankful for that because I think life can only be done well in community, but I also felt like crap once all of my mistakes and regrets and hurts were out in the open for others to see over and over again because I felt like I was failing and disappointing those around me.

One thing I have learned in college is that it's very easy for your morals and standards to become fuzzy, and I feel like mine have recently felt this way for the first time in my whole life. It no longer feels any kinda easy to be who I know God calls me to be, especially because it feels like an incredibly small handful of others beside me are trying to be that person, too. I am so thankful that the people I have been able to surround myself with are a part of that small handful.

It's so easy to lose sight of who God is when things feel like they are falling apart around you and you let yourself be consumer by those things instead, and I think that is how I have been feeling recently. I just can't be and do and say any of the things that are important to me anymore, and I think that is because I am unsure of what is truly important to me right now. Your life is a reflection of the center of your heart, and when the world and its standards are the center of your life and when your highest aspiration is to appeal to the world and those in it, your (my) life feels awful.

One thing I have learned firsthand from God is that He so desperately wants to protect us from things we don't yet understand the repercussions of entirely. I think our sin breaks His heart even more than we know because He knows and sees how it affects us so deeply - much more deeply than we even know in the moment - and how it prohibits us from an intimate, completely fulfilling and life-changing relationship with Him if we choose not to surrender ourselves to Him.

Sometimes it feels so much easier to turn to everything but God because I feel desperate to feel any other way than I do in that moment. Sometimes I am scared that I am missing out on something because all the other people who do *blank* seem really happy and really okay, so I somehow tell myself that what God has to offer me in that moment cannot compare to what everyone else is doing, so I turn my back and decide to be faithful to Him tomorrow instead. Sometimes I feel a certain way for so long that I don't know if I believe I can feel any other way anymore.

We were not created to pursue happiness. I think that that is a lie straight from Satan himself when we allow ourselves to believe that the way we are feeling or the day to day dynamic of our lives is just as good as it gets - Jesus is victorious over any of our circumstances and the fruit of walking with Him sometimes does not make sense when I look at what is going on in my life and how I should be feeling. Instead, He offers peace, hope, and joy that is unexplainable or surpasses all understanding.

I do not believe that life with Him could ever be described as mediocre. I think it's impossible to settle when you are choosing Christ - He offers lasting and true freedom, incomprehensible peace, unexplainable joy and the continual renewal of our hearts, minds, and desires.

I know all these things, and I also know I can’t experience any of this without walking hand in hand with Jesus.

How can I possibly expect to experience this without Christ Himself? Do I just think I can turn off the sin tap and make better choices and be a better person and experience the things that only He can offer without actually experiencing a relationship with Him?

How incredibly foolish is it to think that anything other than the blood of Jesus can make me a new creation. It can never be attributed to a new year, new goals or a new mindset. It's scary to realize that I continually diminish the magnitude of Christ's love for me when He sacrificed Himself on the cross for me because I choose to believe that I can conquer my sin, shame, regret, and hurt all by myself. I am fully known and still fully loved by Him - neither of these can exist without the other. Both of which are only possible through the unfathomable mercy and grace that He alone offers.

We are constantly at war with sin in and around us, I have realized. I simply choose to ignore the one who is victorious over sin and death when I try to defeat my feelings of sorrow, unworthiness, comparison, fear, and worry on my own by declaring myself "done" with my past mistakes. That has yet to work out. In this moment, though, I am not committing to quitting my past mistakes, but I am committing to Christ. I will repent daily and remind myself that it is not worth getting out of bed in the morning if I do not ask Him to fill me with His Spirit to walk through my day with. I have realized that there is no point in turning away from your past mistakes if you are not turning to the one who redeems you, frees you, and calls you worthy.

I want to wake up every day and beg God to free me from my former ignorance and disobedience - I am so weak and easily controlled by waves of circumstance and feeling without Him and His presence in my life. I pray that my sin will break my heart the way that it breaks God’s heart and that I will be offended by things that do not align with His desires for me.