being kingdom minded
How can I further your kingdom when I am so caught up in my world?
… sin causes us to be self-absorbed and self-focused because it causes us to live for ourselves. 2 Corinthians 5:15
Recently, I have been realizing I am really freaking selfish in ways that I don't initially realize are even selfish. I love feelings. I love to talk about my feelings. I love to write about my feelings. I love to help other people with how they're feeling.
My favorite pastor always says, "A sign of maturity is not letting your feelings determine your reality." Along with that, I really love this quote from John Piper:
Whenever your heart starts to be anxious about the future, preach to your heart and say, 'Heart, who do you think you are to be afraid of the future and nullify the promise of God? No, heart, I will not exalt myself with anxiety. I will humble myself in peace and joy as I trust this precious and great promise of God - He cares for me.
So, recently, I ask myself, who the heck do I think I am to think about myself so much?
I've thought about this and prayed about this a lot due to a few things that I have been thinking about. The other day, I was talking to my dad and he asked me, "Do you think you are innocent before God?" I remember saying "...Uh, no…" to which I then got a "Really?" in response. I like when people talk in metaphors and use analogies and all that, so he explained this from a criminal's perspective. Say you break the law and find yourself in court (let's not get crazy and say it's for a speeding ticket of some sort) - at the end of the day, the judge looks at you and tells you you are innocent, not guilty, free even though you did mess up and you do deserve to pay for the ticket. Do you spend the rest of your life questioning the verdict, being scared of what's gonna happen when he realizes he was wrong or do you acknowledge the fact that you don't have to pay a ticket in complete thankfulness - that he took away the burden of having to pay for your mistakes?
We are not sitting here, and groaning, and crying, and fretting, and worrying, and questioning our own salvation. He has blessed us; and therefore we will bless him. If you think little of what God has done for you, you will do very little for him; but if you have a great notion of his great mercy to you, you will be greatly grateful to your gracious God.
Spurgeon
God's grace is a lot like that feeling. I do mess up. I am guilty of sin. I can't earn his forgiveness or his mercy and I sure don't deserve it. But he calls me forgiven and innocent. And nothing can change His mind!
Ultimately, at the end of that conversation, I remember saying "Okay, I think that I actually do believe that God calls me innocent before Him. I think that it's just that I wouldn't say that I am innocent before myself, like in my own eyes..." In other words, I am essentially saying without saying "I know that God says this in the Bible, but I don't feel that way about myself so it doesn't matter."
Just as 2 Corinthians says - sin causes me to be self-absorbed and self-obsessed. Like John Piper says, I cannot let my circumstances, sin, or feelings nullify the promises of God. This includes the brokenness that runs so deep that I don't know how I will ever feel whole again. The time I messed up worse than I ever have. And then messed up again and again and again. The horrible thing I said or did to someone and can't take back. The constant thoughts of insecurity, jealousy, or fear that I am not good enough. If God - who I have hurt more than anyone - can look at me, know me, and say that I am innocent, forgiven, free, whole, restored, renewed, and fully known and deeply loved... who am I to view myself as any differently?
I find myself constantly wondering what I am supposed to be doing and what my purpose is - my purpose is ministry - to know Christ and make Him known. Wherever I go. My relationships are ministry. Young Life is ministry. School is ministry. Time with my family is ministry. Going to Target is ministry. If I am so consumed thinking that I am not liked, pretty, funny, outgoing, confident, or equipped enough to do *blank* then I am so caught up in my world and my plans that I am missing out on all of the opportunities that God has before me now.
I will pray every day that I am humbled by God's gift of grace. That I am humbled by His mercy and forgiveness and His peace and joy and love. That by waking up and dying to myself and my sin every day, I can know and love Him more and be a witness to a love that changes you from the inside out.
I want to be obedient where I am right now. No more of the "once I am out of this really hard season, I will start working on and praying about [insert circumstance here]." Hurt and healing happen at the same time. Both my feelings and the promises of God exist at the same time, and I pray that God's voice will be the loudest voice in my life - especially louder than my own. I know that I am the most whole, the most fulfilled, and the most joyful when I am far more concerned with furthering His kingdom than I am with furthering my own agenda for my life.
Through Jesus, I walk by faith and not by sight. I can confidently walk out my purpose in Him through faith in His love and grace, rather than setting my sights on my failures and flaws. I've noticed that it is nearly impossible to be focused on myself when Christ is on the throne of my heart because His love makes me want to focus on and love others instead.
We are not commending ourselves to you again but giving you cause to boast about us, so that you may be able to answer those who boast about outward appearance and not about what is in the heart. For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are in our right mind it is for you. For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: the one has died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.
2 Corinthians 5:12-17
