2020

I feel like I do not often hear God speak to me directly. Except on January 1, 2020, I felt like I could hear God putting these words on my heart:

This year is going to be transformative. This year, you are going to bloom. You are going to find confidence and purpose, but not in any circumstances. You are going to step into who you are by getting to know who I am. This year is going to be monumental in shaping you into who I created you to be.

Maybe not necessarily hearing, but feeling, God say these words to me brought life back into me. In the past, I feel as if I relied on God a little bit after heartbreak or disappointment but I never spent long periods of time getting to know Him, letting Him really tell me who I am to Him, or going to Him throughout my day to day life. Because of that, I feel like I have felt a rollercoaster of emotions when it comes to my faith, and a majority of the time has been spent feeling numb to it until I feel like I need Him again, when I experience the temporary highs of walking with Him.

Something I have realized is one of my absolute favorite things about Him is His steadfastness. I love consistency and reliability and safety and it is literally an indescribable feeling knowing that I can rely on Him fully and give Him my whole heart.

Withholding so much of myself and my time from Him is definitely why I have always struggled so much with my identity. It was like I was trying to make myself do all these things and trying so hard to make people like me when I didn't really like myself at all.

I think a common misconception about the Bible is the idea of "loving ourselves" - I don't really know a single verse that tells us to do that, but I do think that we naturally think about ourselves more than anything or anyone in the world. I don't even want to be confident in myself. I want to be confident in Jesus. In the past, I think I wanted this a little bit, but only so I could feel good about myself and I would mostly rely on my circumstances or other people to help me do that instead.

This year is the first year that I have truly felt passionate about my purpose - even though there’s still a lot of unknowns in my life day-to-day. I think that also explains why this is also the first year that I am really beginning to feel this "holy confidence" about who Jesus says I am. It's the first year I have spent so much less time thinking about all things "me" and so much more time thinking about things that I can do that truly matter and will bring glory to Him. Confidence in Jesus reminds me that I am not living my life for the approval therefore I have the freedom to boldly pursue the purpose that He has for me.

I have never had a word of the year or anything, but I really like the word “bloom” to remind me of the Lord's encouragement at the beginning of this year. I had no idea that this would also be the year of COVID - meaning that everything looks differently than I hoped or imagined, especially when it came to my purpose and what I could do day to day. God has moved in me in a way that has allowed me to still see so much good in this year and feel so hopeful about what He is going to do now and in the future.

Funnily enough, this year was also the year I became obsessed with plants. Plants are cool because you can move them around and around and around and as long as you give them what they need to survive - sunlight, air, and water - they will grow and thrive wherever they are placed. That's how I want to be. This year has shown me that holding fast to God and His word and truly believing He is all I need means that anything can be thrown in my direction or could block the path I am on, but I will still know that God is good and He will continue to carry me through any circumstance or challenge.

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