conviction

These are the first words that I have felt led to write down in a long time.

I think that the lesson I have just learned has brought me so much clarity as to why I felt like I have been stuck for a really long time.

I am a to-do list girl. But what happens when my convictions become a checklist?

“Aha” moments from the Lord always feel so funny to me - after His clarity and peace transforms my heart and my thoughts, I later think, “How did I miss this for so long?” which leads me to this:

For the last couple years or so, I have felt very overwhelmed thinking about who I am supposed to be, and more importantly, who I am called to be. For the longest time, my prayers have entailed asking God to help me walk on steady ground with Him - I had just always felt so easily swept up by my circumstances and surroundings - both people and experiences - to the point where it felt like I was unable to figure out who I am. And oh boy, I felt conviction about this. I quickly turned loving conviction from the Holy Spirit into suffocating condemnation from the enemy and felt so lost as to how I was supposed to make a relationship with Jesus work.

Recently, I have felt “better” - more peaceful, level-headed, clear-minded, hopeful. I think, though, that I have also been terrified that the “old me” - someone so easily controlled by the things and people around her - would creep back into my life and disrupt this little reality that I have created.

I thought about it - why I take making mistakes so incredibly hard and let these mistakes keep me so far from Jesus. Really, why I let them convince me that He is tired of waiting for me and that there’s no saving me. As I thought about this and quietly questioned my life to the Lord, I heard a phrase like: Your convictions are not meant to be a checklist.

This felt like absolutely freaking ground-breaking and life changing wisdom to me. It just made sense. The Lord used this concept to show me exactly how I let my mistakes keep me so far from Him for so long. I had so many items lined up: 1. Don’t cuss 2. Speak kindly of people 3. Stop drinking too much 4. Quit being so selfish 5. Don’t get so wrapped up in boys & what they think of you 6. Stop comparing yourself to others 7. Spend & save your money more wisely - and these are just the things that quickly came to mind that I had made a mental note about. I realized - all of these things started with a conviction - a conviction that was telling me that doing something, or not doing something, was keeping me from the Lord or was not teaching me to love Him more or the people around me better. Instead of asking Him to show me how to walk with Him, show me more of Himself, teach me to hear Him better, and live a life that honors Him, I made these things into a list of things that I needed to stop doing.

In doing this, I failed to realize that as I fall in love with the Lord, I just will become more like Him. Not because of anything I can do or try not to do, but because He loves me too much to leave me where I am. That He will bring about fruit in my life - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self control - not to boost my self-esteem or glorify Maddie, but because He promises that if we seek Him, we will find Him. And that He just is all of these things.